My mother and I have a complicated relationship, but the older I get, the stronger our love is. But there are other emotions that I don't know how to handle, like guilt. I felt guilty driving home and leaving her to her own life. The minute I left her, watching her awkwardly make her way up the concrete front steps and back into her house, I wanted to turn around. I've never felt what it was like to be homesick, but I would think it is this combination of love and guilt and loneliness that makes tears run down my cheeks.
I left as late as I possibly could and faced my five-hour drive in complete darkness. Everything seemed black to me, even the few lone stars seemed to flicker less brilliantly than usual. And I dredged forward, my stomach sank deeper with every passing mile marker. I was looking forward to getting back to my own bed, and the arms of my fiance, but I couldn't help but wish I could stay just a little bit longer.
Then I realized that all of my dreams of running away, moving out west or out of the country are now undesirable. I love to travel and I've always lived as if I could pick up and go at any moment. The concept of permanence, or settling down always left a disgusting aftertaste. I feel something holding to the east coast now. It's not so easy to pick up and go when you allow yourself to connect with loved ones. I never considered family to be a constant before now and I wouldn't let go of the relationship I've developed with my mother for anything in the world.
I always wondered what it would be like to live that American dream - two loving parents and a stable household. I think that dream is more of a fantasy now. Even though it was difficult to accept my family situation as a child, I now respect my past, even though I am still struggling to fully confront my suppressed memories. The difficulties of my family life taught me to be strong for myself, and I am grateful for all of those challenging experiences.
Back in New York everything seems less connected to me. Hundreds of miles from my mother, but so close to the love of my life, I feel torn. All of the dependency that I lacked as a child is now swarming over me. I want to be close to my mother, but my life has placed me in Elmira, nearly 400 miles away. For now, I will just have to deal with my sporadic trips south to appease my desire to be with biological family.
Despite our past, my mother deserves a sonnet. A bouquet of flowers. Diamonds. A brand new house in Florida, a mansion, or a cruise around the world. What really gets me is that she would take a hug from me over all of that, over being anywhere with anyone else, and for that, I couldn't say I love you to her more clearly.
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