I didn't realize the transition to freelancing would be such a plunge. I've thoroughly prepped myself for failure, and I've talked myself up to, well, myself, in order to start a freelance writing business. I've got the writing part under control, but it's the business aspect that is currently overwhelming me.
Most importantly, whether I'm making pennies or thousands, professional writers must have a reason beyond finances for why they write. By establishing a freelance writing business, the financial drive behind my writing is putting too much pressure on my words. I feel slightly stifled, with a lost sense of purpose. At the end of the day, though, this decision was not made for the money, or the desire to see my name in print. I have chosen the path of a professional writer because I love what I do, and there is no better feeling than curling up with my bulky computer and letting the thoughts flow. It's the magic of writing that really motivates, not the money.
I've mentioned that I've developed a relatively new fear of publication. For years I've been my own worst critic, and I think I've been a little too hard on myself. Sometimes I imagine editors looking at my writing and instead of embracing it for its genius, they wad it up, laugh, and point out every little mistake to everyone in the room. I'm transitioning from critic to supporter (of myself and my writing) in order to stop these evil scenarios from interfering with my ability to produce quality content.
This career move is the best decision I've made in my life. It's like an uncertain leap of faith. The pull of gravity tickles me and motivates me to keep moving forward. I enjoy the rush of the fall, and I want to capture every stomach-flipping moment of it. I must admit that I am slightly preoccupied with the glamor of "being a writer" and living a starving artist's life. But I'm not starving - struggling a little, but definitely not starving. In the writer's life, the possibilities seem endless, and story ideas greet me at every turn. As soon as I can stop all of the critics in my head from throwing tomatoes, the ideas flow like a gently cascading stream, forcing itself over all of the rocky obstacles it comes across.
I am grateful for the critics in my head, though. They help me to remember to edit and reread, to study, to explore, to observe and to second-guess composition until it seems as if the words are telling me where they should go. On the other hand, these critics have developed over years of formal training. I have been prepped for rejection so thoroughly that now I expect it. Professors and writers constantly repeat the hurdles of a professional writer: the loneliness, the competition, the lack of reward, the barrage of criticism, the alcoholism, and the inevitable spiral into homelessness. I'd like to prove them all wrong, and I'll make sure to send out thank you notes after I do.
I have come to realize (which I did at one point, but forgot as I have embraced more responsibilities in adulthood), that every little detail is substantial. These details may only play a role in the development of a story, and may not be included in a final draft, but they are nonetheless vitally important. Not just the huge, headlining event deserve coverage, but rather it is the small details of life that we take for granted on a daily basis that shape our lives, world and writing: The leaves that flicker in the wind outside my front window, the gentle tolling of church bells, the constant groan of my neighbor's lawn mower, the whisper of passing cars, the subtle gleam of sun battling the gray clouds, the calm purr of my kitten, the deep pressure in my chest as I imagine my lover hard at work, the soft sleep of a fluffy dog, the romantic trill of the birds in the leaves that flicker in the wind outside my front window.....It's all connected, and all offers insight into the simplicities of life that make the most beautiful stories vivid, real and relatable.
There is still romance in this world, if only we can slow down, take a deep breath and open our distracted eyes to the slow rotation of the earth. If we just watch and listen, life shows us where the story goes and how it ends. Such simplicities can strike the strongest of passions, if only we take the time to allow ourselves to stop taking everything so seriously.
In the world of journalism, you don't learn much about patience in writing. You learn of deadlines, contacts, appointments, timeliness and concise writing. All of these are extremely important for the business aspect of writing, but the process of writing requires much patience, reflection and thought. Writing is not a business for the impatient. It's also not for the light-hearted. I see the obstacles ahead - my own doubt being the largest - and I embrace them as a challenge. Perfectionism and self-doubt are my biggest oppressors, and I refuse to let them win.
So here's to the beauty of calm reflection, which must inevitably lead to the natural flow of ideas, the honest communication of thoughts, and the constant search for truth. I will not be bombarded by my imaginary tomatoes.
